We all know the feeling of being "on the hot seat" when someone questions or criticizes our work. It makes us feel personally attacked, and we rush to take up defense - perhaps defending the work, our intentions or our core values - but more often lashing back at whomever offered the critique.
Why defensiveness is harmful
Defensiveness sabotages your ability to accurately assess and learn from situations. It causes you to focus on your response instead of what's happening around you. Defensiveness is based in a fear of feeling incompetent, inadequate or unlikable. A study published in the British Journal of Social Psychology found that people who are defensive are less likely to acknowledge the extent of a problem, their part in contributing to it, or their responsibility for fixing it.
Making matters worse, once a team member goes on the defense, they often respond aggressively by shifting blame or pointing out the inadequacy of others. This causes similar defensive behavior in co-workers, and the chain reaction continues to undermine the team.
How to combat defensiveness in the workplace
Make individuals feel valued. Because defensiveness comes from fear of feeling incompetent or excluded, team leaders can go on the offense by making coworkers feel respected, valued and included before they tackle issues or problems. Defensiveness is exacerbated when the team makes the wrong-doer feel like an outcast. It's reduced when people feel secure and supported as part of a group.
Don't dwell on the mistake. There is a saying that if a feeling is strong, that's because it's yours. In other words, a strong reaction to someone else's words shows that it rings true for you. There's no need to rehash that. Instead, try to reconcile quickly and move on to solutions.
Find common ground. One way to do this is to retreat to common ground. Some helpful phrases might be, "I know you are working hard ..." "I know you care a lot about this project" or "We all want ..." Say it even if it feels like a stretch. It will help remind everyone of your core values and mission, and let them know you aren't there to question their character, but to solve a problem.
Think forward, not backward. Keep in mind that you are setting a precedent for the future. If someone who makes a mistake still feels valued and respected, they will own their future mistakes, admit them, and take responsibility for fixing them. And so will others in the group.
Start with yourself. The same goes if someone criticizes you. If you are open to feedback and use it to improve, people will follow your example. They also will be more willing to offer help and suggestions in the future. If instead you react negatively, deny everything and shift the blame to others, your teammates next time may stand aside and let you fail.
When you notice these signs in yourself or others, hit pause and take steps to counteract them. These might include taking a break to let everyone relax and refocus, keeping quiet and letting the other person freely share their thoughts before moving on, or asking a thoughtful question that focuses on a solution and lets the other person know you value their input.
When the battle has come to a truce, remember to anchor back to your common interests, goal or mission. This reminds everyone that they are an important part of the team, working together to achieve success.
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